World View Crash

Tonight was one of those nights I won't forget in a while. It started out normal enough. I went to a Padres game with Chris, my parents, and my best friend from home. (the Padres won, by the way). Anyways, after the game we come home, and I walk with my friend towards the car and start talking to him. This is where the night took a sudden turn.

We started talking about faith. I asked him how he was doing. He wasn't doing too well. Apparently over the past couple of years, he had started doubting a lot more. As a physical therapy student, he started believing evolutionary theory / psychology, and started to wonder about the nature of sin. As he described it, it's hard to recognize that you need Jesus if you don't exactly recognize the sin problem. Furthermore, he had spent time with a family in Mexico. He saw the way that they were perfectly devoted to Catholicism, which was different theologically than how he grew up. Despite this, they were just as friendly and kind to their neighbors as anyone he knew. Thus, why should his religion be the one true one? It's hard for him to believe this when there are countless people around the world believing other things.

As I was listening and talking to him, my foundations were being shaken. Perhaps the hardest part wasn't simply hearing what he was saying, but it was the fact that HE was saying it. This guy, my best friend, was the person who showed me what it meant to be a Christian. He was the one who brought me in and led me to Christ, in effect. Throughout high school I had looked up to him as a model for what I wanted my life to look like in Christ. Thus, to see him doubting and questioning faith, it was hard for me.

We talked for quite a while, talking about these topics and related ones. Coming away from it, I feel shaken up. I am starting to listen to my doubts a little more, and hear the questions ringing in the back of my head. Just the fact that my friend could have gotten to this state disillusioned me. If he could fall down this far, what makes me different. I used to look up to him, and look at where he is now? Also, I was upset with myself for not talking to him earlier. How could I have not noticed?

I'm going to need a lot of prayer in the coming days to get through this. I'm also going to ask to pray for my friend also.

Just before we left, I asked if there's anything I could do. All he said was "I won't refuse prayer." I reminded him of a story during high school. He used to pray before every time he would drive somewhere, for safety. Then, one time, he decided not to just to see what would happen. Then his car broke down. I hope remembering that story will both make him laugh, but also think again about his faith and what he believes. Please keep praying for him. I know I will be.

Churches / Cathedrals in Europe.

When you travel to Europe, you will soon realize that churches and cathedrals are everywhere. Often in many of the smaller towns, the significant feature will be the cathedral in the center of the town. For the larger cities, the cathedrals are popular tourist attractions that draw crowds to see their architecture, sculptures, windows, and history.

The weirdest part about seeing these cathedrals is that I would always have a funny feeling. It was almost a sense of despair. These cathedrals, built as places of worship, have turned into tourist attractions. At first glance, it is awesome that the cathedrals are full of people. However, it is soon apparent that the people inside don't come to worship, and may not even understand the Christian significance. Instead of entering a place of worship, tourist enter a building that has cool art. Many of the cathedrals even sell souveneirs - inside the sanctuary. I couldn't help but think about Jesus overturning the tables inside the temple of Jerusalem. What would he do to the commercialized Christianity that exists in Europe?

It really is tragic that Europe, previously a center of Christianity, is struggling to survive spiritually. Europe is spiritually dying, in desperate need of revival. It's hard to believe that an entire continent, saturated with churches and cathedrals, has lost understanding of their significance. However, it makes sense when you understand that the churches and cathedrals have often lost their Christian attachments. The physical infrastructure is there, but not the spiritual.

Some churches don't even close for Mass. I was at the Cathedral of Sacred Heart in Paris, and there was a mass going on. I couldn't help but feel sadness watching people walking around the cathedral during mass. It's as if tourists saw Mass as a spectacle, just another thing to experience while in Europe. What has happened to the reverence and respect that our God deserves? I know that if I were in a service, I wouldn't want tourists walking around and viewing me as an attraction. I also wouldn't want my place of worship to be an attraction, constantly drawing camera-laden crowds.

Let's pray for a revival in Europe. The churches and priests and pastors and missionaries are all there. What's missing is the hunger and desire for God. I pray for a spark to ignite the hearts of all Europeans, and then the desire and passion to see the flames grow and shine to the rest of the world.

Mid May Musings

Ok, so these aren't really musings. But it's mid may. And it's been a while

In case you didn't hear, I took the advice of my neighbor Max and decided to stay in Berkeley for my master's degree. This was only slightly due to the fact that I could more likely ride a tiger at Berk than Stanford.

In reality... after much, much, much contemplation and praying, the night of April 14th I went to sleep leaning towards sending in my acceptance to Stanford (the deadline was the 15th). However, that night before going to sleep, I said one last prayer asking God to show me where He wanted me to be. As if... I would wake up and the answer would be there.

So the next morning, I woke up, and didn't feel anything new. I then checked my email, and saw an email from Professor Stacey, the admissions officer for my program. Berkeley was offering my a 10,000 scholarship for my grad school. With that email, I realized both that I could attend Berkeley without needing any loans, and also that God had answered my prayers. I'm excited to see what God has in store for me this next year.

It's great to see that our God is faithful to answer prayer. While often it's unseen, I give thanks that His answer was so clear to me this time.

More to come later

Wise words from the nextdoor neighbor

10:29pmBrian

alright max

its all up to you

where should i go for grad school

berk or stanford

10:29pmMax

lol

it's all up to me?

10:29pmBrian

yes

(maybe)

10:30pmMax

hmm, well we must examine this decision on an extremely indepth level.

Berkeley....or Stanford...which has more lenient policies on public intoxication and/or exotic animals on campus?

10:30pmBrian

berk

probably

10:30pmMax

Well, then the choice is obvious

Berkeley it is

10:31pmBrian

awesome

10:31pmMax

unless you don't plan on getting drunk and riding a tiger in grad school

in which case, i don't know what you're doing with your life

Chico, first night

I am staying in a Super 8 Motel. The internet for this motel isn't free. We are instead using the internet from the nextdoor Holiday Inn. Awesome.

(Lack of) Birthday Cake

Sarah made me an awesome Boston Cream Pie / Cake for my birthday this weekend! It was amazing! and I brought back about half of it to my apt.

Today, after a very long day, I came back looking forward to eating a slice. Instead, I found an empty tubberware, not even washed, where the cake used to be.

Sigh

Stanford Visit

So today I visited Stanford.

I am lucky enough to have a HS friend who lives 15 minutes away and great friends willing to lend me their car to make it there. I drove down the night before Visitation Day and crashed at my friend's house.

The day started with me given a parking pass and very inadequate instructions on how to reach the right parking structure (and no map). After a couple minutes of figuring out where I should go, I finally parked and made it to the orientation.

I think the initial reaction was dominated by the building. It is like CITRIS at Berkeley in its concept, but it is much bigger and designed more for the CEE department. It has all these features the lower energy and water use, which was explained to us on tours that were to come.

The program started with the department chair (a UCB grad) giving an introduction and overview, what you probably would expect. They had huge amounts of fruit salad and drinks that were just out to eat for breakfast. After introducing the department, each professor that was available did an intro and a brief talk about what classes they teach / research focus.

After breaking up into programs and meeting the other students (I'm in EES - enviromental engineering and sciences), we had a lunch. Much like the breakfast, it's obvious they have money, because it was pretty high quality food (they had bacon to put on sandwiches).

After lunch, everyone had a specific schedule that was broken down into 15 minute intervals, that told you waht to do. These included tours of facilities, meeting with grad students, and meeting with faculty. I really enjoyed meeting with the faculty, and they all seem like great people. That was perhaps my best experience from the visitation day.

On the whole, I need to determine if the academic benefits of going to stanford are worth 30-40k. I also have to weigh in factors such as friends / family, living conditions, do i want a new experience, etc. into my decision.

I have 3 weeks and counting to decide. If you have any thoughts please let me know! Berkeley and Stanford both have very similar programs academically and prestige-wise, but I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Power Grid

Is an awesome game.

Although it took 3 hours for us to finish the game. I think next time we will go faster now that we know what we are doing.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_Grid

I am not superman

I have finite capacity. Mental. Physical. Emotional.

• I can not upgrade a wastewater treatment plant
  -theoretically, for my design class
  -calculating hydraulics, biological loads, flowrate
• I can not lead a competition team that does not work together
  -that does not commit to accomplish our goals
• I can not design a water treatment system, and build it
  -write detailed analysis of the treatment principles used
  -while managing budgets, renting cars, registering people
• I can not lead a worship team that does not put in effort
  -not striving to learn
  -to take initiative
  -to look beyond themselves to serve the community
  -to explore worship beyond music, and be willing to share
• I can not solve racial tension
  -be a scape goat for thousands
  -solve the problems that apply to you
  -watch you sit idly as I tackle the problem of the centuries
  -that actually apply more to you than me
• I can not write poetry on what it means to be me
  -analyze poets that openly attack who I am
  
• I can not be a son, brother, friend, boyfriend
  -and have time to be myself too
• I can not motivate this senior IV class to action
  -to remind them to plan prayer meetings
  -to organize and plan game nights
  -taking out other classes
  -being good examples
  -to stop being apathetic
  -give up their comfort for the sake of others
  -take ownership of this fellowship and these people who look up to them
• I can not be a good example for the younger IV students
  -trying to lead by example
  -meeting up to talk, eat lunch
  -checking in with them, being a friend and a support
  

I am not superman

I can not carry the weight of the world
I can not do everything I want to do
I can not do everything you want me to do
I can not solve all your problems
I definitely can not solve all my problems.

But

I can do my best
I can strive to be the best friend, support, man that I can be

and I can trust. In something greater than me.
Because only He can give me strength to make it through.

and I pray.
and pray
and pray

Some Nights

I am very creative with words

Tonight. I am not. And I don't know what to say.

Oh well, goodnight

Johns Hopkins

It's weird how fast things change. My Johns Hopkins application was due Jan 15. I decided to apply about a week before. At the time, it was just another possible destination, however unlikely, for my post-undergrad years.

But now that I've gotten accepted, it has become so much more than that. Now it is assurance for next year. I will be going to a grad school. Now it is relief. Now it is an excuse to not work hard this semester. But I still need to work hard...

Now I just need to make sure I graduate... and wait for the other schools to reply.

Thank the Lord

futility

it's one of the things I really can't stand

When I hope for so much,
but my hope is frustrated by reality

Looks like I'm taking Poetry for the People this semester.

This is going to test my comfort zone, as well as my ability.


It's harder to blog during the school year, or maybe it's just been transitioning back into the Berkeley lifestyle.

Afternoon at the beach

After going to church in the morning, followed by a delicious lunch of costco pizza and watching some playoff football, I decided to go to the beach. I left in the late afternoon down Del Dios Highway (translated: highway of the gods), top down in the miata and wind flowing in my hair. My mom had decided to come along to see the sunset and read a book as well. There is something calming about the late afternoon soon, a couple hours before it sets. Everything is much more peaceful and magical.

Once we hit the water, we drove around and ended up at Solana Beach (fletcher cove I think). While my mom pulled out her chair, I grabbed my camera, notebook, and a pen and headed down the coast along the bluffs. This is what they look like.
I ended up getting quite wet as the tide came in, because the water reaches the rock, but it was worth it








































And then the sun really began to set

I also wrote some stuff down, but maybe I'll put that up at another time.

If you want to see the rest of my pictures, hopefull I'll have them up on facebook at some point.

Just one of the many good days I have while home, and the blessings of living in San Diego.

the essence of me

How do we define who we are?

What constitutes our true essence: that thing that sets us apart from everyone else?

If all is stripped away and left bare.

If you could look directly into my soul, no facades, no false impressions, no walls that I put up to make you see me as I want you to see me, what would remain? What would the remnant of who I am be?

If you took away the friends
If you took away the sports, the guitar, the engineering, and all the things I do

If you could take those away from me, whether by breaking my thumb or sending me away from those close to me

...Who would I be?

I keep searching for answers, but only time will tell.
When all the questions fade, truth must remain.

But for now, as I struggle to find what is true
I'm finding the essence of me is in You